Shakespearing by Hermano Leitao

Shakespearing
or
Shakinspiring















By



Hermano Leitão

2011



Characters:

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark;
Ophelia, virtual Hamlet’s bride;
Iago, President of World Bank;
Cleopatra, President of the Monetary International Fund;
Antonio, Italian Minister of Economy;
Rosalina, French Minister of Economy;
Biron, Spanish Minister of Economy;
Shylock, German Minister of Economy;
Rosalinda, United Kingdom Minister of Economy;
Falstaff – Hal’s Knight.












Shakespearing

ACT I

Hamlet sponsors the European Leaders Summit – ELS - which takes place in the Danish Royal Palace with a technical support of Ophelia, his virtual bride; Antonio, the Italian Minister of Economy; Biron, the Spanish Minister of Economy; Rosalina, the French Minister of Economy; Cleopatra, President of The Monetary International Fund; Shylock, the German Minister of Economy; Falstaff, Rosalinda, the United Kingdom Minister of Economy; and Iago, President of the World Bank join the meeting.

Scene I
(Falstaff always opens the door)
Ophelia – Hamlet, you must listen to this headline: “There is something rotten in the kingdom of Denmark”.
Hamlet – Are you on your period?
Ophelia – No, but I want to talk about this with you later on. The newspaper claims another thing.
Hamlet – Claims what?
Ophelia – The article claims that the ELS - European Leaders Summit which takes place in the Danish Royal Palace will not reach an effective proposal to cease the European financial crises.
Hamlet – If this proposal is depended on me, they are right. We do not belong to this zone.
Ophelia – I agree, because I have been waiting for a proposal from you for one decade.
Hamlet – Ophelia, all Christians have been waiting for the resurrection of Jesus for more than 2.000 years and they have not complained about this long run promise at all. And I have already suggested you to enter the catholic nunnery in Portugal.
Ophelia – Hamlet, you should assume your choices!
Hamlet – Ophelia, my dad recently passed away and my mother has traveled with my uncle to enjoy the Greek islands in this very moment when the ELS will take place here. I know nothing about economy or finance, but I could not cancel this agenda established between my father and Iago, the President of the World Bank. Give me a break!
Ophelia – But we could take advantage of this meeting with lot of celebrities and announce that I have accepted your proposal to marry you.
Hamlet – Ophelia, no way! (the bell rings). Please, open the door.

Scene II
(Falstaff opens the door. Ophelia welcomes Iago)

Ophelia – Welcome! Who are you?
Iago – My name is Iago. I am the President of the World Bank. Pleased to meet you!
Ophelia – Pleased to meet you too! My name is Ophelia, I m the virtual Denmark Prince bride. Please, come in. Prince Hamlet is waiting for you.
Hamlet – Dear President, what a pleasure!!
Iago – Dear Prince, it is my grateful pleasure!
Ophelia – Gentlemen, I will live you alone, because I have to make some adjustment on my wedding dress.
Iago – Do not worry, miss Ophelia!
Hamlet – If you listen to the bell, comeback to welcome the guests, please. And you should forget about the wedding dress stuff.
Ophelia – So long!
(Ophelia leaves the room)

Scene III
Iago – She is still a virgin!
Hamlet – How do you know?
Iago – She has long tight spiral hair, low voice, strengthened closed hands, rocky tits, tense buttocks, and the first thing she look at me was my treasure trail.
Hamlet – What a perception!
Iago – Not really! Everybody in Europe comments that she will get nuts if she doesn’t get laid very soon.
Hamlet – Dammed! We do not need spies after the internet anymore. I am afraid that everybody will know everything about my mom trip to Greece. I hope they don’t post the beach photos.
Iago – I think that your uncle does not intend to make a secret how much he enjoys the pleasure in the land of Aphrodite.
Hamlet – Holly shit! My mom is a bitch!
Iago – Take it easy, Prince! It happens all the time... I worked hard to avoid Othelo getting laid and breaking apart with Desdemona, but it got dam wrong. He was so jealous that he strangled the virgin Desdemona and when he knew she had not betrayed him, he killed himself.
Hamlet – What a shit!
Iago – Fortunately, I escaped to Milan where I was named as the World Bank President.
Hamlet – By the way, the ELS will deal with about what?
Iago – How to avoid a world wide financial chaos. As you know, Spain is in serious trouble, because the Navarra King and all public servants have had vacations for three years and let citizens have spent all credit card limits on shopping in Miami. Their debt to France and credit card companies is huge.
Hamlet – Why does not the Spanish government borrow money and repay with taxes?
Iago – Because they do not have a solid guarantee to give to them. And Italy is also in trouble because it is in debt with Germany, which could solve the Spanish problem, but it has accepted Antonio’s dick as the loan guarantee.
Hamlet – What? Antônio will cut his dick if Italy won´t pay the debt?
Iago – Yes. It was the clause that Shylock asked them in order to lend the money to the Italian government. It is a Jewish custom.
Hamlet- I have never understood this Jewish predilection for foreskin barbecue.
Iago – My dear Prince, if I tell you what is the Italian Prime Minister predilection in his “bunga bunga” parties, I am sure you will consider foreskin barbecue only an innocent appetizer caress. (The bell rings)

Scene IV
(Falstaff opens the door. Ophelia runs to the door – Cleopatra follows her)
Ophelia – Welcome, madam! My name is Ophelia, I m the virtual Denmark Prince bride.
Cleopatra – Thank you and nice to meet you! My name is Cleopatra, The President of the Monetary Fund.
Ophelia – Nice to meet you too! Please, come in. The knights anxiously are waiting for you.
Cleopatra – I love anxious guys! Thanks, dear!
Ofélia – Not at all! Ay, I would like to have your opinion about my wedding dress if it would not bother you.
Cleopatra – Absolutely, darling! It will be my pleasure to see you wearing your wedding dress as you wish.

Scene V
Ophelia – Hamlet, she is Cleopatra, the President of the Monetary Fund.
Hamlet – Glad to meet you, Cleopatra! I do not know if you have already met...
Cleopatra – I have already met Iago in Calcutta where he was nominee President for the World Bank. How are you, dear?
Iago – Better now, dear Cleopatra!
Ophelia – Hamlet, Cleopatra desperately wants to see me wearing my wedding dress in my bedroom. So, please, you should not bother her with debt problems, ok?
Hamlet – Back to your bedroom, Ophelia. In a few minutes, I will bother you about going to Saint Madeline nunnery, ok?
Ophelia – Excuse me!
(Ophelia leaves the room)
Scene VI

Cleopatra – She is still a virgin!
Hamlet – This was also broadcasted in Egypt?
Iago – No, my dear Prince. She looked at Cleopatra tits that point a quarter to four o’clock.
Cleopatra – I will implant silicone in both tits next month, but they will be not for your eyes, darling.
Iago – You are always ready for responding the challenge of the day!
Cleopatra – Be broached with me! If knife, drugs, serpents, have edge, sting, or operation, I am safe.
Iago – Edge your knife, save poison and excite hardly your taste buds, because we will have to face Antonio again.
Hamlet – He is in the edge of losing his dick!
Cleopatra – I can not tell you that I will miss that.
Hamlet – Won’t miss Antonio or his dick?
Cleópatra – None of them. We do not miss something that has not brought you pain or pleasure. We met alone just once and in that occasion he was furious with me.
Hamlet – And why he was so furious?
Cleopatra – He sent me a letter telling me that he got married with Octavia, and that he did so because it was only a political alliance to save Rome. I could not pay attention to this letter because the messenger was a very strong 16 years old guy who looks like a gladiator. Antonio got furious because I made this hunk guy my guest for three days.
Iago – I knew that Octavia died from a suspicious cause. Some even said that poisoning was the cause of her death.
Hamlet – Ay dears, I just remember that I have to talk to Ophelia about giving up booze and wine. Please, make yourself comfortable and from now on you will be the ELS hostesses. Excuse me.
Cleopatra – Thanks, my dear! We really have a complicated agenda.
Iago – Thanks, dear Prince. Do not worry, I am already home.
(Hamlet leaves the room)
Scene VII
(Falstaff leaves the room and comes back with wine)

Cleopatra – Iago, I received your notes about the ELS objectives and the proposal to promote a new European economic order that, in my opinion, the author is not so ambitious as to challenge the honor thereof, as having both hands in that work.
Iago – The hole is a little bit low, my dear Cleopatra. This proposal is only a headline to editors have fun. I only want to find out who will pay this three trillion Euros bill or how we can make lemonade with these lemons.
Cleopatra – Much Ado about Nothing! All we need is a heavily deposit in my Fund and offer some World Bank bonus. And we know that only the German government could do that. Than we lend money to Italy and Spain with higher interests. Our commission would be 6%.
Iago – The matter, my dear, is that all banks in Europe will go bust.
Cleopatra – My dear, instead of paying the public debts, The United Kingdom, Italy and Spain ought bailout the banks. A little bit of inflation will make people scared about the situation and they would be quiet. Let’s prescribe the IMF remedy.
Iago – Privatization, broadening the tax base, “rationalizing” public services and structural deregulation are remedies to exotic countries. It will not work in Europe! But you Fund can be more attractive to all Europeans.
Cleopatra – How my Fund can be more attractive?
Iago – You would call the Danish for a new world currency in order to protect against financial instability. In other words, we keep the Euro to pay salaries and social benefits. Using the Danish to price global trade and denominate financial assets would provide a buffer from exchange rate volatility.
Cleopatra – Do we have to use guns or poison to put this into effect?
Iago – Only if it would be strictly necessary, but I believe that the fear of the end the world is enough.
Cleopatra – Good idea, my dear! You never know when the sneaky little feline might slip out the back door.
Iago – Ok, so let’s share our tasks. We ought to promote bilateral meetings between France and Spain, United Kingdom and Italy, and Germany and Denmark. I will coordinate the talks between Rosalina from France and Biron from Spain. You coordinate the talks between Rosalinda from United Kingdom and Antony from Italy.
Cleopatra – And what about the talks between Germany and Denmark?
Iago – Hamlet and Ophelia will withhold Shylock He will be nastily prepared when we propose the ELS agreement terms.
(The bell rings)
Scene VIII

(Falstaff opens the door - Ophelia welcomes Rosalina)

Ophelia – Welcome, madam! My name is Ophelia. I am the virtual Denmark Prince bride.
Rosalina – Glad to meet you, lady! My name is Rosalina, the French Minister of Economy.
Ophelia – Glad to meet you too! Please, come in. The bankers are waiting for you.
Rosalina – Thank you!
Ophelia – Not at all! Ay, please, let me steal Cleopatra from you. I need to bring her to my bedroom.
Rosalina – Sure, darling! An advice: do not drink!
Ophelia – No way! It could damage my wedding dress.
Rosalina – No doubt about that!

Scene IX

Iago – What a pleasure, dear Rosalina!
Rosalina – How are you, Iago?
Iago – Happy to see you again!
Cleopatra – It has been a long time, honey!
Rosalina – You are always kind, darling!
Ophelia – If does not bother you, I would like to steal Cleopatra from you.
Rosalina – Go ahead, puppy! My eyes will lay down on Iago perspicacity.
Iago – Ophelia, I was just to ask you to bring Cleopatra to your bedroom anyway. And about perspicacity, my dear Rosalina, it is not mine but all yours attribute.
Cleopatra – So let’s go, darling! I could not wait to see your wedding veil.
Ophelia – Thank you! Excuse us.

Scene XI

Iago – I am very happy to get start the ELS with the most important parts in this meeting.
Rosalina – My country was always ready to make a deal and bring light to a solution in a blink glance and effective measure like eye drops to irritated eyes. What we can not conceive is clapping hands to see flamenco dancers at Rhombus.
Iago – My dear, the Spanish government does not have financial conditions to pay the loans at short terms. We must find out a strategy to solve that problem in order to allow France to be compensated with available funds.
Rosalina – There will be no way to France receive rotten funds!
Iago – But I am talking about healthy funds. Cleopatra will give you her funds.
Rosalina – I may see Cleopatra funds perchance. And on what does it depends?
(the bell rings)
Iago – Excuse me. I will open the door.
(Falstaff opens the door. Iago welcomes Biron)

Scene XII
(Falstaff offers wine to Rosalina)
Iago – My dear Biron! What an amazing coincidence!
Biron – My dear Iago! What a pleasure! And why coincidence?
Iago – I was about to mention your name when you knocked the door.
Biron – I hope it would be a good presage, because the king of Navarre sent me here on a thorniest mission I have ever had in my life.
Iago – I am sure it will not be a labor summit lost. Come in, please. The French Ministry of Economy has already come and we can begin our first bilateral meeting.
Biron – Thanks! Let’s go!
Scene XIII
(Falstaff offers wine to everybody)

Iago – The knight who we were waiting for has just arrived!
Rosalina – I love to see people on time!
Biron – What a wonderful reception! Thank you!
Iago – My dear, a toast to the ELS inauguration!
Rosalina – To good presages!
Biron – To ELS!
Iago – Well, I will let you alone in order to you discuss your issues and I also need to meet Prince Hamlet.
Rosalina – Be comfortable, Iago.
Biron – No problem, I do prefer the female companies.
Iago – I hope you have brought enough napkins in your pockets. Excuse me.

Scene XIV

Biron — Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?
Rosalina — Did not I dance with you in Brabant once?
Biron — I know you did.
Rosalina — How needless was it then to ask the question?
Biron — You must not be so quick.
Rosalina —It is long of you that spur me with such questions.
Biron — Your wit's too hot, it speeds too fast, it will tire.
Rosalina — Not until it leaves the rider in the mire.
Biron — Lady, I will commend you to mine own heart.
Rosalina — Pray you, do my commendations; I would be glad to see it.
Biron — I would you heard it groan.
Rosalina — Is the fool sick?
Biron — Sick at the heart.
Rosalina — Alack, let it blood.
Biron — Would that do it good?
Rosalina — My physic says 'ay.'
Biron — Will you prick't with your eye?
Rosalina — No point, with my knife.
Biron — Now, God save your life!
Rosalina — And yours from long living!
Biron — I can not stay thanksgiving, if France would not forgive the Spanish debt.
Rosalina – How dare you! A default is out of discussion!
Biron – We can discuss about a bailout.
Rosalina – I would prefer to get Cleopatra clean funds. Within the limit of becoming mirth, I will not spend an hour's talk with you. Your eye begets occasion for your wit. I know you. For every object that the one doth catch, the other turns to a mirth-moving jest, which your fair tongue delivers in such apt and gracious words that aged ears play truant at your tales and younger hearings are quite ravished. So sweet and voluble is your discourse. Your proposal would lead France declare bankruptcy.
Biron – Do not I get a point on this?
Rosalina – It is a dangerous game to one that has already a cord hanged on neck. You should watch your pace.

Scene XV

(Iago and Hamlet come in)
Iago – So my dear, have you reached an agreement?
Biron – Nay, we have reached a dilemma!
Hamlet – To be, or not to be: that is the question!
Biron – No, Prince Hamlet: To pay or not to pay? That is the question!
Rosalina – Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles by opposing end them?
Iago – To die: to sleep; no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, It is a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause: there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life.
Hamlet - For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely?
Biron - The pangs of despised love, the law's delay?
Iago - The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes?
Hamlet - When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Iago - Who would fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that the dread of something after death?
Hamlet - The undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns...
Biron - Puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of?
Rosalina – Thus conscience does make cowards of us all!
Biron – So bail me out, Rosalina!
Rosalina – I must look into Cleopatra cleaned funds at first
Iago – It seems to be fair, since our journey into the ELS deep waters has just begun and we depend on a consensus after all.
Hamlet – Rosaline and Biron, why do not we go to the library where we can figure out the stock index? We would make assumptions in determining the Cleopatra cleaned funds value, ok?
Iago – Good idea, my dear Prince! Maybe a threesome way would work out better.
Rosalina – I was thinking about that threesome way
Biron – I would enormously wish to try a threesome way.
(Hamlet, Biron and Rosalina leave. The bell rings)


Scene XVI

(Falstaff opens the door. Ophelia runs to the door. Cleopatra follows her. They welcome Rosalinda).

Ophelia – Welcome, madam! My name is Ophelia. I am the virtual Denmark Prince bride.
Rosalinda – My pleasure to meet you, pretty young lady! My name is Rosalinda, the United Kingdom Minister of Economy.
Ophelia – Please, come in. For a moment, I thought it was the buffet for tonight ceremony.
Rosalinda – Thanks, sweet heart! I loved your hair dress!
Ophelia – It was Cleopatra’s idea.
Rosalinda – It might be!


Scene XVII

Cleopatra – My pretty Arden fairy! (She gives her a hug)
Rosalinda – My pretty Egyptian doll! What an immense pleasure! (She kisses her lips)
Ophelia – (To Rosalinda) Are you engaged too?
Rosalinda – Yes, honey. I will get married next year, but I lost my virginity a long time ago. (She kisses her)
Iago – Rosalinda, glad to see you again! Your presence in the ELS is crucial.
Cleopatra – Iago wants to save Antonio’s dick, darling!
Rosalinda – Glad to meet you too, Iago (she kisses him). There was a time when we were worried to save our head.
Cleopatra – In Antonio’s case, it is a matter of both heads, sweety!
Iago – Ophelia, don’t you want to show me your wedding dress? I’d love to see it.
Ofélia – Sure! I can’t wait the moment to show my bouquet to everybody!
Rosalinda – Don’t be so enthusiastic about his desire, darling. Iago would change your mind to get married so soon.
Iago – Let’s go, Ophelia! If we stay here, we would lose our clothes.
(Iago and Ophelia leave the room)

Scene XVIII
(Falstaff offers wine)

Rosalinda – Poor girl! He is a wolf in sheep's clothing.
Cleopatra – The wolves rarely kill each other, unless they fight for territory like all human beings. That’s why I prefer looking after my snakes for forever than having a man in my bed for more than three days.
Rosalinda – In my case, I let them free in my forest. And I am here for hunting, pretty puppy.
Cleopatra – I am here to grant myself power, my hunting fairy! Thanks to Egypt, which is the only one via to the West control the production of petroleum, - that you need so dearly – I am the President of the IMF. If you want my black liquid squirt to your mouth, you must pay my bills.
Rosalinda – I love who previously shows the cards to play the game!
Cleopatra – So let’s establish our game.
Rosalinda – Sure, my dear! The United Kingdom will never be defeated. What have you planned?
Cleopatra – We have to cancel the Italian debt with Germany and convince Hamlet to call the Danish the Euro Zone currency without extinguishing the Euro itself.
Rosalinda – And where can we get the magic powder to achieve that?
Cleopatra – In my ring, baby. And I have another ring which is very convenient to put the magic powder in a glass of wine. I serve wine to Shylock, and you serve wine to Iago.
Rosalinda – Is this poison?
Cleopatra – No, darling. Friar Laurence gave me this distilled liquor. He granted me that when presently through all thy veins, a cold and drowsy humor runs for no pulse and shall keep his native progress, but surcease. No warmth, no breath, shall testify some lives; the roses in his lips and cheeks shall fade to pale ashes, his eyes windows fall, like death, when he shuts up the day of life; each part, deprived of supple government, shall, stiff and stark and cold, appear like death: and in this borrowed likeness of shrunk death he shall continue two and forty hours, and then awake as from a pleasant sleep. This is how long we need to put into effect our game.
Rosalinda – 24 hours. And why I would do this?
Cleopatra – Because The United Kingdom needs the petroleum that I control and deliver, and while the handsome fellows sleep, we can use the privileged information to take advantage on them. We shall invest our funds in Danish currency. We will be four time richer, my pretty fairy.
Rosalinda – I got it. It is a perfect trick against Germany that controls 40% of the United Kingdom funds in Euro currency, which will turn into water.
Cleopatra – Simple as that! Shylock sleeps, and his pipe falls down!
Rosalinda – One more question, my pretty snake from desert. Why Iago?
Cleopatra – For two reasons, my dear. First, only Iago is capable to cancel the deal between Shylock and Antonio. Thus, Antonio would not lose his dick. Second, I don’t want to lose Antonio.
(The bell rings)
Scene XIX
(Falstaff opens the door. Cleopatra welcomes Antonio. Falstaff serves wine to Rosalinda)

Cleopatra – My dear, Antonio!
Antonio – My beloved queen, how nice to see you!
Cleopatra – It is really a pity to meet you in this painful situation.
Antonio – It seems that the sky is falling down on my head.
Cleopatra – We are going to save your little head, my darling!
Antonio – I hope so! My dad always said when your head is down, your pocket is empty.
Cleopatra – Ay, I am so sorry about Octavia! A tragic death always causes us a hard grief.
Antonio – Incomprehensible!
Rosalinda – Antonio, glad to see you!
Antonio – Augusta Rosalinda, glad to meet you too!
Cleopatra – Darling, I do not understand yet why you granted the deal with a piece of your own meat.
Antonio – I did it to save Rome. The merchants of Venice are terribly afraid because my dick will not serve to raise funds that they desire.
Rosalinda – Let´s take a seat, darling
Antonio – Shylock hates me and he took advantage on the situation to revenge. Germany is in a better situation than all of us and will demand us a high price to liquidate the debt. I am lost.
Cleopatra – How do you let the Italian financial situation get so far?
Antonio – Well, the public debt get out of control. The civil service salaries have increased to almost 40% of the GDP. 50% of the population receives a kind of social security. The pensions generate a 200 billion deficit monthly; In short, the public spending accounted for almost 90% of the GDP.
Rosalinda – And who works in Italy?
Antonio – 5% of the population which is on vacation now.
Rosalinda – And how much is the Italian debt with Germany?
Antonio – 800 billions.
Rosalinda – And Shylock wants only your dick for that?
Antonio – It was the guarantee I gave to him.
Cleopatra – Darling, don’t worry. Iago named Prince Hamlet and Ophelia to make a deal with Shylock. Everything is going to be all right. Believe me!
Rosalinda – You bet! And there are already a wide range of perfect penis implants in plastic. I saw one plastic device that was so perfect I thought it was natural.
Cleopatra – It is a matter of taste, darling.
Rosalinda – Really, it tastes nothing.
Antonio – It seems that Italy is the key point to solve this crisis.
Rosalinda – Not exactly, my dear. If Spain won’t pay France, France won’t pay the United Kingdom, which depends on Germany to buy its funds; your dick must satisfy Shylock. And at this point, you have to work hard.
Cleopatra – I will give you my funds, and considering that they are so in a limited range, Iago will also provide you a special line to cover your dick.
Antonio - I hope so.

Scene XX
(Enters Iago)

Iago – Rosalinda and Antonio! Only this meeting to give me so immense pleasure! (Kisses Rosalinda’s ring)
Rosalinda – You’re always adorable! (Takes him in her arms and kisses on his cheeks)
Antonio – (with opened arms) My friend, Iago!
Iago – (gives a strong and long hug) - My beloved Venetian, you don’t know how much I missed you!
Cleopatra – Something never changes...
Rosalinda – Let’s make a toast to our foursome encounter! Foursome!
Antonio – Foursome!
Cleopatra – Foursome!
Iago – Whatever!

Scene XXI
(Enters Hamlet)

Hamlet – Rosalinda! Antonio! What part of the party I lost?
Rosalinda – Hamlet, help me transform this Armageddon into a real party, my cute Prince!
Hamlet – My beauty Rosalinda! Only you could bring a Dionysian joy to this boring meeting!
Antonio – Noble Hamlet, the wine was essential to heal this encounter!
Cleopatra – I always drink wine to wait for a solace in the darkness of the night!
Rosalinda – Let’s make a toast to our Euro Zone!
Cleopatra – To our Euro Zone!!
Hamlet – To our Euro Zone!
Antonio – To our Euro Zone!
Iago – Whatever! And talking about group, I would like you to join Biron and Rosalina in the library, in order to allow Hamlet be prepared to receive Shylock.
Rosalinda – The higher the number, the greater the group!
(They leave the room)

Scene XXII
(The bell rings. Ophelia welcomes Shylock)
Ophelia – Welcome, madam! My name is Ophelia. I am the virtual Denmark Prince bride.
Shylock – Glad to meet you, Milady! My name is Shylock, the German Minister of Economy.
Ophelia – Please, come in. Even though I am very busy dealing with my wedding check list, I am doing everything I can do to this ELS. Cleopatra even asked me to show my tits.
Shylock – This makes me happy! Next time she would ask you to join a group party.
Ophelia – She suggested enjoying my honeymoon in her palace in Cairo.

Scene XXIII

Hamlet – My dear, Shylock! Welcome!
Shylock – Thank you and congratulations for your coming marriage!
Hamlet – As you know, this is not the motive of our meeting.
Shylock – Of course. From my part, I simply want to execute the contract.
Ophelia – I have contracted a buffet and they will serve crunch piglet.
Hamlet – Our wills and fates do so contrary run that our devices still are overthrown.
Ophelia – I would prefer turkey chest instead of crunchy knuckle of pork.
Shylock – You'll ask me why I rather choose to have a weight of carrion flesh than to receive three thousand ducats: I'll not answer that. It is my humor: is it answered? I know that you are going to ask why I prefer Antonio’s dick rather than receiving 800 billions of Euros. But I am not bound to please you with my answers!
Hamlet – That for which we find words is something already dead in our hearts.
Ophelia – If you had noticed me about your barbecue predilection, I would have arranged some kebabs.
Shylock – I would say it is my pleasure. Is it ok for you? It is my humor. Is it answered?
Hamlet – I don’t know how much is a peace of human meat, but it seems to be too much.
Ophelia – Why do not have chicken drumstick instead of cocks’ testicle?
Shylock – What if my house be troubled with a rat And I be pleased to give ten thousand ducats to have it banned? Are you answered yet?
Hamlet – Mistress of passion sways it to the mood of what it likes or loathes.
Shylock – My noble Prince, some men there are love not a gaping pig; some, that are mad if they behold a cat; and others, when the bagpipe sings his the nose, cannot contain their urine: for affection. As there is no firm reason to be rendered, why he cannot abide a gaping pig; why he, a harmless necessary cat; why he, a woolens bagpipe; but of force must yield to such inevitable shame as to offend, himself being offended. So can I give no reason, nor I will not, more than a lodged hate and a certain loathing I want Antonio’s dick. Are you answered?
Ophelia – (hysterical) It doesn’t matter what you want; It doesn’t matter if it is hate; It doesn’t matter if it is pleasure; It doesn’t matter if you are Jew or Christian; It doesn’t matter if you made a deal with the devil to eat pig meat; It doesn’t matter if it is a bond; It doesn’t matter if you want to buy an expensive dick. You will stay here and will swallow Antonio’s dick, because today is my wedding ceremony. You will not fuck up my marriage! Understood, her Kaiser? (Run away).
Shylock – I knew she is still a virgin.
Hamlet – Gossips!

Act II
Scene I

(Enter Cleopatra, Rosalinda and Rosalina)
Cleopatra – Shylock, how are you?
Shylock – I am not as comfortable as you ladies, but I am ok.
Rosalinda – Dear, let’s have a glass of wine and you’ll be better!
Shylock – Hamlet, why all women seem like blind hunters looking for hunk guys when they are in group?
Rosalina – Because when you hurt us, we bleed, and when you think you made us cum, we laugh on you! Nice to meet you!
Shylock – Nice to meet you too, lady!
Hamlet – Did you think it would be easy, Shylock? They will control the world one day!
Cleopatra – Darling, we don’t need you here anymore. Please, go to the library and join the musketeer’s frat. We have serious issues to deal with. Be back in ten minutes, please.
Shylock – Wouldn’t you ask yourself since when they have controlled the world?
Hamlet – We still have our swards! Let’s go! One for all, all for one!
(Hamlet and Shylock leave the room)

Scene II

Cleopatra – Rosalina, we need to build up a strategy in order to Iago manipulate Shylock during the ELS. You have a mission.
Rosalina – Sorry, but I will be busy. I need that Biron grant me to solve his debt.
Rosalinda – Trust in us, my love! Cleopatra and I will satellite Iago and Shylock. You ought isolate Antonio.
Cleopatra – If necessary, caress his buttock or whatever, but let him far away from Shylock and Iago.
Rosalina – I will have to be a prodigious in being a liar, because I can’t hide how much Biron makes me excited.
Rosalinda – Be a liar, my darling. Happiness is being able to lie without guilt.
Cleopatra – You will have Biron on your knees. I promise you.

Scene III
(Ophelia enters desperately)

Ophelia – Help me! You must help to fry that pork!
Rosalina – Calm down, Ophelia! You don’t need to despair.
Ophelia – I’ve already told him that if he’d try to mass up my wedding ceremony, I fry that knuckle of pork!
Cleopatra – You wouldn’t have courage to kill him, would you, my darling?
Ophelia (very cold) – I would.
Rosalina – We’d better go to your bedroom to discuss your options, dear.
Ophelia – You will help me, won’t you?
Rosalinda – Sure, my candy girl! We are here to do so.
(They leave)


Scene IV
(Enter Hamlet, Iago, Biron, Antonio and Shylock)

Shylock – Gentlemen, if I understood all well, you want me to Exchange Antonio’s dick for Cleopatra cleaned finds Am I correct?
Biron – Yes! With this arrangement, France could forgive the Spanish debt through the World Bank support.
Hamlet – And how would The United Kingdom capitalize the busting banks?
Iago – We may call a new currency to the Euro zone and let debts, salaries, pensios and all social security payments in strongly devaluated Euro.
Hamlet – And which government would be crazy enough to handle this rotten zone?
Iago – We thought about The Kingdom of Denmark.
Antonio – The United Kingdom would have its funds also devaluated, Hamlet.
Biron – And the French and Italian credit would not be so significant, Hamlet.
Hamlet – Would I have na insurance based in gold to Grant the transactions in this zone?
Shylock – I do not accept.
Antonio – How you like cock, man!
Iago – Gentlemen, please, I need to talk to Shylock in private. Biron, please, write a deal with all terms we had discussed in order to cease any doubts, ok?
Biron – Ok! And I believe that Hamlet and Antonio could help me bringing about a clear paper.
Iago – Thanks, Biron! I knew that I could count on you.
(The musketeers leave)

Scene V
(Falstaff prepares the main table)

Shylock – GO ahead, Iago! But I´m afraid it would be a waste of time.
Iago – My dear, before this ELS take place here, I asked to a prestigious lawyer to analise your contract with Antonio in which is signed that unfortunate clause.
Shylock – I am sure he told you about the Pacta sunt servanda principle.
Iago – Sure! It is a Latin brocade which means "contracts must be respected" or even "agreements should be applied."
Shylock – So, we have nothing to discuss.
Iago – In contrary, my dear. Even if we take this principle in account, the contract signs that, dashes, “a pound of flesh”, which is completely different from “his dick”. So you can’t execute Antonio’s dick.
Shylock – Then I will want his buttock.
Iago – Looking to the boundaries, I believe it is overweighed upon your right, or more than a pound.
Shylock – Then I will demand his breast. No more than a pound.
Iago – It can not be possible neither. Our noble lawyer also said that what you demand is a contractual penalty. In other terms, If Italy won’t pay the debt; Antonio would give you a Pound of his own flesh.
Shylock – Your lawyer only made Antonio’s situation worse.
Iago – Absolutely not. There is no way to execute the accessory, if the main clause wouldn’t be demanded. As the debt is heavily devaluated with the new currency, Italy can easily pay the debt.
Shylock – But the Euro was not yet devaluated, and I can execute the entire contract, both principal and dick.
Iago – Tarry a little; there is something else. The contract is null, my dear. This bond doesn’t give you here a jot of blood. The words expressly are 'a pound of flesh’. But, in cutting it, you will bleed him. The execution of this deal is the execution of Antonio’s life which must be preserved upon anything. End of story!
Shylock – You are so a diabolic evil that I do not dare to oppose you, but I strongly demand a fair compensation.
Iago – There will be no rays in the sky further the ones that make thunder!

Scene VI
(Cleópatra, Rosalinda and Rosalina enter)

Cleopatra – I feel like living in a vida louca, my dear Iago (She takes him in her arms).
Shylock – I would not bet a coin against that!
Rosalinda – Milord, Shylock! That’s jokes as you like!
Iago – Ladies, we proposed to call the Danish a new currency to the Euro Zone transactions and Germany will forgive the Italian debt.
Rosalina – And how the Spanish Crown will pay France?
Iago – It won’t pay. The French public bounds handled by The United Kingdom will vanish through the Euro devaluation.
Cleopatra – And as the United Kingdom is not a member of the Euro Zone, it could balance its currency to compensate any lost.
Rosalina – Today it seems that lies reign everywhere in order to establish a common happiness, or it would be much Ado about nothing?
Iago – A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full numbers and happiness.
Shylock - I would my horse had the speed of your tongue, and so good a continuer.
Cleopatra – All is well that ends well! Save Antonio´s dick!
Rosalinda - Save Antonio’s dick!
Rosalina - Save Antonio’s dick!
Iago - Save Antonio´s dick!
Shylock – Shit!
(Cheering)

Scene VII
(Hamlet, Biron and Antonio enter. Falstaff put empty glasses on the table)

Hamlet (with a paper in hand, pretending be honored, enters) – Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! We make history today in this zone. For now on, the European currency is the Danish.
All – Danish! Danish! Danish!
Hamlet – The Kingdom of Denmark will join the Euro Zone, which will be called the Zone of the Danish or Danish Zone.
Todos – Danish zone! Danish zone! Danish zone! Danish zone!
Cleopatra – I propose a toast to our Danish zone!
All – To our Danish zone!
Hamlet – Ladies and gentlemen, please sign our deal.
Rosalinda - To our Danish zone!
All - To our Danish zone!
Hamlet – Now, let’s take our seats to compose our ELS and I declare open speech. Thank you!

Cena VIII
(abre-se um sarau, ao invés de discursos, declamam-se poemas ou diatribes, a começar por Biron e Rosalina)

Biron –
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth, but poor validity;
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;
But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.
Most necessary it is that we forget
To pay ourselves what to ourselves is debt.
Rosalina –
What to ourselves in passion we propose,
The passion ending, doth the purpose lose.
Biron -
The violence of either grief or joy
Their own enactors with themselves destroy:
Where joy most revels, grief doth most lament;
Grief joys, joy grieves, on slender accident.
Rosalina -
This world is not for aye, nor it is not strange
That even our loves should with our fortunes change;
Biron -
For this a question left us yet to prove,
Whether love lead fortune, or else fortune love.
Rosaline –
The great man down, you mark his favorite flies;
The poor advanced makes friends of enemies.
And hitherto doth love on fortune tend;
For who not needs shall never lack a friend,
And who in want a hollow friend doth try,
Directly seasons him his enemy.
Biron -
Our wills and fates do so contrary run
That our devices still are overthrown;
Our thoughts are ours, their ends none of our own.

All – (applause)

Scene IX

Rosalinda -
After some time you learn the difference, the subtle difference between giving a hand and fettering a soul;
and you learn that to love doesn't mean to support yourself, and that company doesn't always mean security.
And you learn that kisses are not contracts and that gifts are not promises.
And you start to accept your loss with your head up and eyes straight ahead, with the grace of a grown-up, not the sadness of a child.
You learn to build the roads of today, because tomorrow's land is too unknown to make plans and the future usually falls from nowhere.
After a while you learn that the sun burns if you expose yourself to it for very long.
And you learn that it doesn’t matter how much you care, some people just don’t.
And you accept that it doesn’t matter how good someone can be, they will hurt you once in a while and you have to forgive them for that.
And you learn that talking can be a relief to emotional pain.
You learn that it takes years to build trust and just seconds to destroy it, and you can do things in a second that you will regret for the rest of your life…
You learn that friendship continuous to grow even with the distance and that what matters is not what you have in life, but who you are in life.
And you learn that you don’t have to change friends if you understand that friends change, and you realize that you and your friend can do nothing or everything and still have good times together.
And you learn that the people you care the most are taken away from you too fast, that is why we should always say caring things to those we love, because it might be the last time we see them…
And you learn that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others, but to the best you can become.
You learn that it takes a long time for you to become the person you want to be, and that life is too short.
And you learn that it doesn't matter where you've already gotten to, but where you are going, and if you don't know where you're going, anywhere will do.
You learn that either you control your acts or they will control you, and that being flexible doesn't mean you are being weak, or that you don't have a personality, for no matter how delicate and fragile a situation is, there are always two sides of it.
And you learn that heroes are those that did only what was necessary...
You learn that patience requires a lot of practice.
You find out that sometimes the person that you expect to kick you when you fall is one of the few that will help you up.
You learn that maturity is about what kind of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them, not how many birthdays you have already celebrated.
You learn that there's more of your parents in you than you suppose.
You learn that you should never tell a child that dreams are foolishness; few things are so humiliating that it would be a tragedy if he believed that.
You learn that when you are angry you have the right to be angry, but that does not give you the right to be cruel.
You learn that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want to be loved, it doesn't mean that the person doesn't know how to love, and s/he loves you as much as s/he can, because there are people who love you, but simply don't know how to show it.
You learn that being forgiven is never enough, sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
You learn that with the same harshness that you judge, you someday, will be condemned.
You learn that no matter how many pieces your heart was broken into, the world doesn't stop so you can fix it.
You learn that you cannot go back in time, so you have to take care of your garden and not wait for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn you can really bear it, that you're really strong and that you can go farther than you think, and that life has a value and you have a value before life!
And you learn that our doubts are disloyal and that makes us lose what we could achieve, if it weren’t for the fear of trying.
All – (applause)
Scene X
Iago –
Is there no way for men to be but women must be half-workers?
We are all bastards; and that most venerable man which
I did call my father was I know not where
When I was stamped; some coiner with his tools
Made me a counterfeit: yet my mother seemed
The Dian of that time so doth my wife
The non pareil of this. O, vengeance, vengeance!
Me of my lawful pleasure she restrained
And prayed me oft forbearance; did it with
A pudency so rosy the sweet view not
Might well have warmed old Saturn; that I thought her
As chaste as unsunned snow. O, all the devils!
This yellow Iachimo, in an hour,--was not?
Or less,--at first?--perchance he spoke not, but,
Like a full-acorned boar, a German one,
Cried 'O!' and mounted; found no opposition
But what he looked for should oppose and she
Should from encounter guard. Could I find out
The woman's part in me? For there's no motion
That tends to vice in man, but I affirm
It is the woman's part: be it lying, note it,
The woman's; flattering, hers; deceiving, hers;
Lust and rank thoughts, hers, hers; revenges, hers;
Ambitions, coveting, change of prides, disdain,
Nice longing, slanders, mutability,
All faults that may be named, nay, that hell knows,
Why, hers, in part or all; but rather, all;
For even to vice
They are not constant but are changing still
One vice, but of a minute old, for one
Not half so old as that. I'll write against them,
Detest them, curse them: yet 'tis greater skill
In a true hate, to pray they have their will:
The very devils cannot plague them better.

All – (applause)
Scene XI

Antonio –
Virtue! A fig! It is in ourselves that we are this
or that. Our bodies are our gardens, to the which
Our wills are gardeners: so that if we will plant
Nettles, or sow lettuce, set hyssop and weed up
Thyme, supply it with one gender of herbs, or
Distract it with many, either to have it sterile
With idleness, or mannered with industry, why, the
Power and corrigible authority of this lies in our
Wills. If the balance of our lives had not one
Scale of reason to poise another of sensuality, the
Blood and baseness of our natures would conduct us
To most preposterous conclusions: but we have
Reason to cool our raging motions, our carnal
Stings, our unbitten lusts, whereof I take this that
You call love to be a sect or scion...

All – (applause)

Scene XII
Hamlet –
What is a man,
If his chief good and market of his time
Be but to sleep and feed? A beast, no more.
Sure, he that made us with such large discourse,
Looking before and after, gave us not
That capability and god-like reason
To fuss in us unused. Now, whether it be
Bestial oblivion or some craven scruple
Of thinking too precisely on the event,
A thought which, quartered, hath but one part wisdom
And ever three parts coward, I do not know
Why yet I live to say 'This thing's to do;'
Sit I have cause and will and strength and means
To don’t. Examples gross as earth exhort me:
Witness this army of such mass and charge
Led by a delicate and tender prince,
Whose spirit with divine ambition puffed
Makes mouths at the invisible event,
Exposing what is mortal and unsure
To all that fortune, death and danger dare,
Even for an egg-shell. Rightly to be great
Is not to stir without great argument,
But greatly to find quarrel in a straw
When honor’s at the stake. How stand I then,
That have a father killed, a mother stained,
Excitements of my reason and my blood,
And let all sleep? While, to my shame, I see
The imminent death of twenty thousand men,
That, for a fantasy and trick of fame,
Go to their graves like beds, fight for a plot
Whereon the numbers cannot try the cause,
Which is not tomb enough and continent
To hide the slain? O, from this time forth,
My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!
All – (applause)
Cena XIII
Shylock –
We cannot all be masters, nor all masters
Cannot be truly followed. You shall mark
Many a duteous and knee-crooking knave,
That, doting on his own obsequious bondage,
Wears out his time, much like his master's ass,
For nought but provender, and when he's old, cashiered:
Whip me such honest knaves. Others there are
Who, trimmed in forms and visages of duty,
Keep yet their hearts attending on themselves,
And, throwing but shows of service on their lords,
Do well thrive by them and when they have lined
Their coats
Do themselves homage: these fellows have some soul;
And such a one do I profess myself.
All – (applause)
Scene XIV

Cleopatra - It is not a year or two shows us a man:
They are all but stomachs, and we all but food;
To eat us hungrily and when they are full,
They belch us.
Why do they call us prostitutes?
Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take
More composition and fierce quality
Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,
Go to the creating a whole tribe of fops,
Got between asleep and wake?
All – (applause)
Scene XV
(Ophelia, wearing her wedding dress, enters. Falstaff serve wine in special glasses.)
Ophelia –
You know the mask of night is on my face,
Else would a maiden blush be paint my cheek
For that which you had heard me speak tonight
Fain would I dwell on form, fain, fain deny
What I have spoken: but farewell compliment!
Do you love me? I know you would say 'Ay,'
And I will take your word: yet if you swear,
you may prove false; at lovers' perjuries
Then say, Jove laughs. O my dear,
If you do love, pronounce it faithfully:
Or if you think I am too quickly won,
I'll frown and be perverse a say nay,
so you would woo; but else, not for the world.
In truth, I love you.

(Hamlet embraces Ophelia; gives her a glass of wine. They drink wine. They kiss and fall dawn dead. Biron and Rosalina, Cleopatra and Rosalinda, Iago and Antonio do the same. Shylock drinks alone and falls dawn dead. Only Falstaff doesn’t die, because he didn’t drink wine).

Falstaff – What the hell! (He looks around) Everybody is dead! Fortunately, I didn’t drink wine nor kiss this guy. There was poison in the glass! He (Iago) asked me to put poison in the glass of Rose something and in somebody else I didn’t understand the name. So, to not make a mistake, I put poison in all glasses. God forgive those who make mistakes! Será que trouxeram muitas moedas em suas bolsas? Danish! Danish! Danish! This young sober-blooded boy do not love me; nor a man cannot make him laugh; but that's no marvel, he drinks no wine. There's never none of these demure boys come to any proof; for thin drink doth so over-cool their blood, and making many fish-meals, that they fall into a kind of male green-sickness; and then when they marry, they get wenches: they are generally fools and cowards; which some of us should be too, but for inflammation. A good wine sack hath a two-fold operation in it. It ascends me into the brain; dries me there all the foolish and dull and cuddy vapors which environ it; makes it apprehensive, quick, fugitive, full of nimble fiery and delectable shapes, which, delivered o'er to the voice, the tongue, which is the birth, becomes excellent wit. The second property of your excellent wine is, the warming of the blood; which, before cold and settled, left the liver white and pale, which is the badge of pusillanimity and cowardice; but the wine warms it and makes it course from the inwards to the parts extreme: it illuminate the face, which as a beacon gives warning to all the rest of this little kingdom, man, to arm; and then the vital commoners and inland petty spirits muster me all to their captain, the heart, who, great and puffed up with this retinue, doth any deed of courage; and this value comes of wine. So that skill in the weapon is nothing without sack, for that sets it a-work; and learning a mere hoards of gold kept by a devil, till sack commences it and sets it in act and use. For the cold blood he did naturally inherit of his father, he hath, like lean, sterile and bare land, mannered, husbanded and tilled with excellent endeavor of drinking good and good store of fertile wine, that he is become very hot and valiant. If I had a thousand sons, the first humane principle I would teach them it should be to forswear thin potations and to addict them to wine. (He takes a glass of wine and drinks) O dammed! (He fall death).

The End